the things you would only hear from me..

Tv moments i have achieved 1. Hollywood Kiss...you know..those kisses where the guy tilts the girl back as she lays in his arms, then the guy bends down and comes in for a kiss? So romantic..so cheesy hollywood. But you know me..a sucker for romance! ofcourse..it happened to me in the oh-so non romantic way..just by chance..so there goes my "Carrie & Berger moment" ruined (non sex & the city fans..please ignore previous statement) But today..there was another: getting up and walking away. Today i had two chances. But knowing me, those two chances fell through.

 1. He followed me, but that's only because the person on the phone told him to. that's what i think anyway

2. I made up an excuse to go to the bathroom..having every intention to just walk away and not come back

But ofcourse i didn't..i'm never strong enough to just walk away. I don't know what was wrong with me. I usually don't care, i shrug it off and that's the end of that. But today it bugged me. Things just weren't going my way today, and almost everything he did added insult to injury. Is it PMS? I wish..i mean,i think aunt flow lost her directions for this months visit with me..so PMS is definitely out of the question. If only every girls sudden uproars and emotional outbursts could be blamed on PMS, life would be so much easier..the scape-goat for all problems.

Perhaps I’m trying to find reasons to end things. To just cut my loses now and move on to something new? Or am I trying to pick at little things and find any and every flaw in this relationship and magnify its significance and its worth to me in order to start a fight? Am I really that lonely and empty that I have to pick fights in order to feel something? To feel anything but insignificant in this relationship? Do I really have to point out problems in order to be noticed? If so, that’s absolute madness.

I sound like those clingy little girlfriends that I never wanted to be. Girls who just latch on; feel more because it was their first time with that guy..or something stupid along those lines. But I really don’t see myself like that. Am I like that? Hrmm..so now that its all typed down neatly, and my thoughts are concise, I realise I’m in a quandary: Trying to cut my loses now, or picking fights to feel more significant.

 I think I’m being emo today. Too too emo..I need to sleep on this. Bad days just amplify lost thoughts and confusion.

let me begin by saying..realisation in any form is a piece of shit!

this month alone have been full of them, and might i add, many of them have been...'shit'! HAHA

anyway..realised exams are in less than 2 weeks..the stress of it all has brought me back to my old ways...smoking...and smoking more than usual
well that was bad idea, smoking nearly a whole pack in a day has fucked up my throat, and now my throat hurts and i feel sick..perfect timing rite?? the period of preparation for exams and i feel horrible
wat else..
forked out a few hundred dollars on a new dress yesterday to wear to the engagment party, which looks like im not going to be attending..due to me feeling sick and really tired (idunno why, im sleeping more than i usually do?)..so, that was just a waste of money..

lost motivation with pretty much everything, including uni. feeling like shit tends to make you lose motivation and interest in life..oh and getting 18/25 for my buss. finance test was depressing enough. what is that, like 1 mark over the average? i thought getting shit marks gets you motivated? apparently not..anyway, looks like i'll probably fail macro2 or something...i hate that subject with a passion...

i think mom and dad have forgotten i even exist? do they even care why i've been looking so down and been so quiet these last couple of weeks? hrmm..i guess its better than they don't ask anyway, its not like i'd tell them.

what else..looks like i can't have things both ways..having one thing means i can't have the other? hrmm..seems like the other party in the situation is too immature..oh well, they'll get over it and realise things are sooo much better this way anyway. oh well...its 'tough love' babe!..

oh..and apparently i care if feelings are reciprocated?..fran says i worry to much about it all..ahh..well now i realised, im totally over that now.. i've done all that before..and it was too tiring...so fuck that..

so, back to studying..ahh..boredom here i come!